Day 150

It’s so funny how we think about time as we age. When we are four years old we cannot wait to tell everyone when we are four and a half! When we are 12, at least as a girl, it’s the most amazing feeling to turn 13 and finally be called a teenager. Other milestones include 18, 21 and maybe 30. We then start repeating. You know what I’m talking about. We all have that friend who has been 34 for at least three years!

I, personally, never paid much attention to time until I heard the song, “Seasons of Love” – five hundred twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes. It was fascinating to me to think of a year in that way. In 2012 my year was measured in loss. In 2014 I remember my life of friends. 2016, the year was definitely measured in love.

And now today, I am constantly speaking in terms of how many weeks and days Addison is. At six weeks we heard her heartbeat. The most beautiful sound I have ever heard. Both Dorian and I cried. It was such a special day. At 10 weeks we had a full anatomy scan. Two arms, two legs, her organs were developing accordingly. Day by day I wondered if everything was ok. Am I eating the right things, doing the right things? What is supposed to be the most amazing experience a woman can have is actually an anxiety ridden exercise of just getting to the next day.

My baby at 21 Weeks- she’s about 11 inches long and 14 ounces in weight. According to the app, theBUMP, she’s as big as an endive. According to Nurture she is the size of a pomegranate. Her arms and legs are finally in proportion, neurons are now connected between the brain and muscles, and cartilage throughout the body is turning to bone. It’s also been suggested that I eat some carrots this week if I want Addy to have a taste for them. Apparently the flavor of amniotic fluid differs from day to day, depending on what I’ve eaten and now that the baby is swallowing this fluid everyday, she will be getting a virtual taste of-and a taste for-whatever is on the menu.

So with about 130 days to go, or one hundred eighty seven, two hundred minutes, I wait the joyful yet still anxious anticipation for her arrival.

-Rookie Mom 2017

Grandma & Grandpa Royal

Dear Addison,

Before you can ever truly know me you should learn about where I come from. My Dad, your Grandfather, was my best friend. My Mom, your Grandmother, is my guardian angel. Together they were my foundation. At any given moment roles shifted from parent to teacher to coach to nurse to therapist. The one certainty in my life was that that they would always support me and never let me down.

Together they were the two most generous people I have ever known. Growing up, my Dad was the guy the kids in the neighborhood looked up too. He coached and mentored young people his entire life. To this day there are people who tell me that knowing my Dad made them a better person.

My Mom was always helping the elderly or less fortunate. On any given day she could be found running someone to get groceries or helping a family new to town find work or navigate the legal system.

Throughout all of their efforts helping others, I was always their priority. They attended every game, concert, dance recital and award ceremony. They helped me with my homework, taught me to work hard and not take anything given to me for granted. They taught me about love and faith and gratitude

My life changed when they passed away. My heart broke into piece which I never thought could be healed. Spiritually I knew they were still with me but physically I was all alone. For so many years I was a shell of my former self. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to feel whole again.

On November 15, 2015 I met your Dad for the first time. I had no idea that night would change my life forever. Over the next year, I experienced friendship, companionship, laughter and pure LOVE like never before. Then on September 10th we found out you and six weeks later heard your heart beating.

You are truly a gift from God and I thank him everyday for you. You are the product of the love your grandparents had for me and of the love I have with your Dad. And although I cry that you will never meet them I know they had a hand in creating you. They are every bit a part of you as I am. Always know that Grandma and Grandpa Royal will be watching over you.

There’s so much more to tell you but patiently I must wait for your arrival.

Mommy loves you.

Grandma’s welcoming words

There was once a pretty town in Provence called Avignon. In this city lived a beautiful little boy very wise, but very shy! He was the only child in a family and his parents loved him. Being a single child, he had to play alone, not easy, he liked reading a lot but he was still alone so he dreamed, he escaped. Since he was very shy, it had to be pushed a little to confront the outside world. Gradually he gained self-confidence, and things came back in order. He managed to overcome his shyness !! He was released and we could not stop him !!!

The child grew up, grew up and turned into a young man and what a young man !!! He was beautiful and the girls turned him around a lot !! His beautiful clear look left no one indifferent !!! …. His life was going well in Provence between family and friends, yet, one day, he decided to leave, to leave us to go live his dream far, very far In America as they say here. We were very sad about his departure but were sure he would come back a little later, but not !! Despite the sadness and our fears we were wholeheartedly solidarity with him. He had to realize his dream, his American Dream. We prayed that everything would go well for him in his new life so far away from us.
During those years there, it certainly was not easy. However, he kept for himself alone, in his head and in his heart all these difficult moments, he never complained! The American dream …. the USA … He had to endure many things alone, down … Time was passing and 14 years passed.

One day, during one of our conversations, a video conversation he showed us a very pretty young woman and, on the other hand, they seemed to know each other well, there was complicity and even ‘They were especially appreciated ….
The following weeks we even sympathized with this charming young woman very smiling.
Another time, I learned that I was going to receive a gift. Super, I loooooove gifts, on the other hand it was not necessary to open the package !!! So I should wait and open it live on Skype. I was eager to open this big package brought by the postman, but no, I had to wait. I piaffais …

In short, the moment waited finally arrived and, armed with my knife and before camera, I could finally cut the scotch carefully. The parcel finally opened, I plunged my hand to seize one of the small packages that I saw. “Nooonn, no, we must take the letter first,” they said. I plunged my hand in the large package to rummage and get out a beautiful red envelope. The envelope was glued, I cut it out carefully.
It was a pretty postcard with a drawing of an old typewriter and a little bird on it.

I opened the card and inside, a black and white photo. But no ! This is not a picture !! It’s an ultrasound and there … it’s a baby …. !! Yes Yes! It’s you Addison !! This is how I learned in the prettiest manner possible, your future arrival !!

I could not believe what I saw, I had so long hoped for it !!! I cried, but with joy. An immense joy, I waited for you so much !!
And here you are, very small. Until this famous moment I thought that my heart had become dry and hard and just seeing you it melted like snow in the sun. Thank you for choosing to come to my family and now nothing will be like before! I love you already and now I look forward to the day of our next meeting. I will be there to welcome you.
You know, that boy who left France I spoke of, well, he’s your dad, but he’s also my son. He discovered a pearl, a beautiful young woman, your mother and you are the fruit of their love. It is because they love each other very much that you will be beautiful, very beautiful. I am your grandma, your big one, I do not know yet how you will call me, but the name you will give me will be very sweet in my ears. I am very happy with your arrival in my life and I only wait for one thing is to be able to hold you in my arms and cover you with kisses. I will not hide from you that I also have stage fright. But yes, I’m afraid of not being up to my task, so if that’s the case, especially do not hesitate to let me know. I want to become almost perfect for you.
For the moment, still remain with your mom, warm and grown with the unconditional love of your parents.
Very quickly my little chip
Your big ma who thinks of you.

Mots de Bienvenue d’une Grand Mere

Il était une fois une jolie ville en Provence qui s’appelle Avignon. Dans cette cité vivait  un beau petit garçon très sage, mais très timide !!!  Il était l’unique enfant d’une famille et ses parents l’adorait.  Étant enfant unique, il devait jouer seul , pas facile, il aimait beaucoup lire mais il était quand même bien seul alors il rêvait, il s’évadait.  Comme il était très timide, il fallait le pousser un peu pour qu’il affronte le monde extérieur. Peu à peu il a pris confiance en lui,  et les choses sont rentrées dans l’ordre.. Il a réussi à  vaincre sa timidité !! Il s’est libéré et on  n’a plus pu l’arrêter !!!

il fallait le pousser un peu pour qu’il affronte le monde extérieur. Peu à peu il a pris confiance en lui,  et les choses sont rentrées dans l’ordre.. Il a réussi à  vaincre sa timidité !! Il s’est libéré et on  n’a plus pu l’arrêter !!!
L ‘enfant à bien grandi, grandi et s’est transformé en jeune homme et quel jeune homme !!! Il était beau et les filles  lui tournaient beaucoup autour !! Son beau regard clair ne laissait personne indifférent !!!…. Sa vie se passait bien en Provence entre famille et amis, pourtant, un jour, il a décidé de partir, de nous quitter pour aller vivre son rêve loin, très loin en Amérique comme on dit ici. Nous avons été très tristes de son départ mais  étions sûrs qu’il allait revenir un peu plus tard, mais non !!. Malgré la tristesse et nos craintes nous étions de tout coeur, solidaires avec lui. Il devait réaliser son rêve, son American Dream. Nous avons prié pour que tout se passe bien pour lui dans sa nouvelle vie si loin de nous.
Durant ces années passées là bas, tout n’a sûrement pas été facile. Cependant, il a gardé pour lui seul, dans sa tête et dans son cœur tous ces  moments difficiles , il ne se plaignait jamais ! L’ American dream ….les USA… Il a dû endurer beaucoup de choses seul, la bas…Le temps passait et 14 ans se sont écoulés.
Un jour, au cours d’une de nos conversations, conversation en vidéo il nous a présenté une très jolie jeune femme et, ma fois, ils avaient l’air de bien se connaître ces deux là, on sentait de la complicité et même qu’ils s’appréciaient  particulièrement….
Les semaines suivantes nous avons même sympathisé avec cette charmante jeune femme très souriante.
Une autre fois, j’appris que j’allais recevoir un cadeau. Super, j’adoooore les cadeaux, par contre il ne fallait pas ouvrir le paquet !!! Je devrais donc patienter et l’ouvrir en direct sur Skype. J’étais impatiente d’ouvrir ce gros paquet amené par le facteur, mais non, je devais attendre. Je piaffais…
Bref, le moment attendu arriva enfin et, armé de mon couteau et devant  caméra, je pouvais découper enfin le scotch avec précaution. L e colis enfin  ouvert,  je plongeai ma main pour saisir un des petits paquets que je voyais. ” ”  “Nooonn, non, il faut d’abord prendre la lettre “me dit- on . Je replongeais ma main dans le gros colis pour farfouiller et en sortir une belle enveloppe rouge. L’enveloppe était collée, je la découpais avec soin.
C’était une jolie carte postale avec un dessin d’ une  machine à écrire ancienne et un petit oiseau dessus  .
J’ouvrais la carte et à l’intérieur, une photo en noir et blanc. Mais non ! Ce n’est pas une photo !! C’est une échographie et là…c’est un bébé ….!! Oui,  oui! C’est toi Addison !! Voilà comment j’ai appris de la plus jolie manière qui soit,  ta future arrivée !!
Je ne pouvais croire ce que je voyais, j’avais tellement depuis longtemps espéré ça !!! Je pleurais, mais de joie. Une joie immense, je  t’ai tellement attendu !!
et te voilà, là, toute petite,.Jusqu’à ce fameux moment je croyais que mon cœur était devenu sec et  dur et juste en te voyant il à fondu comme neige au soleil. Merci d’avoir choisi de venir dans ma famille et désormais plus rien ne sera comme avant  ! Je t’aime déjà et maintenant j’attends avec impatience le jour de notre prochaine rencontre. Je serai là pour t’accueillir.
Tu sais, ce garçon qui a quitté la France dont je te parlais , et bien, c’est ton papa, mais il est aussi mon fils. Il a découvert une perle, une belle jeune femme, ta maman et toi tu es  le fruit de leur amour. C’est parce qu’ils s’aiment beaucoup que tu seras belle, très belle. Moi, je suis ta mamie, ta grand ma, je ne sais pas encore comment tu m’appelleras, mais le nom que tu vas me donner sera très doux à mes oreilles. Je suis  très heureuse de ta venue dans ma vie et je n’attends plus qu’une chose, c’est de pouvoir te serrer dans mes bras et de te couvrir de baisers. Je ne te cacherai pas que j’ai aussi le trac . Mais oui, j’ai peur de ne pas être à la hauteur de ma tâche , alors, si c’est le cas, surtout n’hésite pas à me le faire savoir. Je veux devenir presque parfaite pour toi.
Pour le moment, restes encore avec ta maman, bien au chaud et grandi avec l’amour inconditionnel de tes parents.
À très vite ma petite puce
Ta grand ma qui pense à toi.

Parents’ dilemma

It is interesting how we, as future parents, start thinking, what we have in mind for that child. I am safely assuming that we are looking at the future with doubt in our mind and conviction of what is good or not for the baby to come.

One big dilemma, which will need to be resolved at some points, in the following months: Religion and to be more precise Baptism.

I am born catholic, so is Tracy. I lost my faith a long time ago when i came to realize that believing in God does not bring you anything while facing emotional pain, it is a distraction. It is reassuring to imagine that there is something higher than us, which control our life and destiny.While in school, I studied Philosophy and it made it clear to me that religion exists from the creation of man to ease the pain during harsh time and provide with some hope of a better tomorrow. It is the opium of the people. JJ Rousseau, a French Philosopher, who was a fervent atheist, on his death bed cried for god help while facing death.So, does God exist? Is he only existing in our mind or does his grace can help us and provide us with strength when needed….

Religion has many faces and it is up to us to decide which face we want to see.

Tracy and I were baptized when we were new born, as the belief in catholic church is if you baptize your newborn, in case something happens to him, he will go to heaven. Now, if you don’t baptize him, he will be lingering between heaven and earth in a weird place forever.

Conclusion: If you want to go to heaven, embrace God, convert your kids: Kind of aggressive vision, so to speak.
Today, after 20 years without entering a catholic church, listening to a sermon, I strangely rediscovered my faith. I attended a small service in the East village, where the gospel, the worship touched me, but something was missing.

My love, Tracy, took me to Hillsong NY. I was shocked by the amount of people in attendance, compare to my small church, the crowd was young, Music was loud, lights were dancing, Worship was strong, you could feel its intensity. But the revelation came from the pastor: Carl Lentz. He changed me, his intensity, his speech, his message, it went all through me, and surprisingly I beg for more. Everything happens for a reason.
Why am i saying all this??

His vision is you can only baptize people who wants to be baptized, as they understand the meaning of it. Young babies are not part of it.So Hillsong is offering a moment, a benediction for the kids but it is not the same as a baptism.

This is where my issue is: which one should we pick?   Traditional vs Pentecostal?

What does it mean to be called “Papa” or Dad?

The silliest things in the world are the one we have one day dreamed of in a funny way, without thinking they will occur. That is what is happening to me, Dorian, adult French man. I am about to become a father, not tomorrow but in few months from now, which should provide me with enough time to be ready.

I am today torn between happiness and fear,  “Should I stay or should I go, now??”, for some reasons “The Clash” are vibrating and singing in my head….Weird.

My excitement is somehow quite posed as I am not living the pregnancy per-se, I am only  supervising and managing it, most of the time when my dear Tracy and i are going out on a date. I am the tissue provider, her morning sickness always kicks in, right after dinner, clockwise, unbelievable!!

It is a great reminder of what is about to happen. My life (selfishly) is about to change forever.  I know, I sound a little dramatic but I am feeling the change and still not sure how to react to it and what my place is in this adventure.

Tracy is an unbelievable person,  she is very smart, she has a brilliant career, she has so much energy, so much passion and love in her, and now, she finds the time and extra energy to give life to that little girl, day after day. She is changing physically, her belly start showing a little and she looks beautiful and shines more than ever.
I am so proud to see her growing that child inside of her body, and how she manages every single issue she must deals with due to hormones growth.

It is obvious that God knew exactly what he was doing, Women are so much tougher than men.  I could never assume to be able to handle those morning sickness with a smile, to see my body being tortured as such. I am amazed by the level of acceptation and the strength she has.
I give all my respect to every woman in the world to go through the process of making a child.

I love Tracy so much and I am so excited to have that baby girl with her, but still, what am I supposed to do?? What are my obligations, what are my responsibilities now, during the making??
My answer came  by itself somehow, to provide Tracy with all the support she needs during the pregnancy, assisting to every ultrasound, to be present for every doctor appointments, and to take care of all the tasks at home (which I was already doing :)) and anything else she needs from me or not, not to argue with her, not too much, maybe a little bit.
To be present by her side and to remind her that she is not alone during that journey, where I am only a spectator. She is providing a haven for that child and I am making sure to keep it this way.

Our life, now, is about planning our future prior and after the baby birth, I have the impression to be at war, plans, maps, organization, logistic, supplies, etc… I am a general, without stars, about to enter the battlefield of the unknown. She has, as an excellent mother to be, read every single blog and application she could possibly find. For me, she has purchased books to read, to prepare myself for my future role of a responsible father, obviously, I have not yet started. I keep on postponing those readings by fear of the real, maybe! I do not have the answer.
In the unknown world, my only certainty is something magical is about to happen, and I am more excited today than I ever was in a longtime, she is providing me with the energy and the motivation to change and improve things in my life, for Tracy first and for Addison.

Today, i pledge to be here for you Tracy my Love and for you Addison, to be a good father, to care for you, to stop any potential boyfriends to come home, and to care for your well being in sharing with you my mistakes and my success.
We will be here for you every step of the way.

I love you already, Can’t wait to finally see you.

Dorian.